The Desolation of Kevin Tran
by katthewhovian
Summary: I took Kevin Tran's sad life/ending, and created an even sadder backstory. Enjoy!
1. Earnest Contemplations

_Jake's dark brown eyes slipped down to watch his black Vans step in front of each other. He bit his lip, looking up as the girls passed by him, giggling and whispering. Jake turned back to where he was going, accidentally bumping into one of the senior girls. He looked back at her, his mouth gaping open as he was about to apologize, when she grinned, plucking his Calculus AB notes off the floor._

"_Excuse you, and you're welcome," she replied, placing the stapled papers on top of his binder._

"_Uh, yeah, thanks," he replied, looking down at what now was a mess of words._

_He turned back around, weaving his way through the crowd and to his locker. Jake's eyes scanned for his World History binder, and then left to Ms. Torong's class._

"Oh, you're _writing_ again, are you?" Tara's face rested on his shoulder, surveying the Word Document.

"Mhm," Kevin mumbled, placing his hand on the mouse to close it.

Tara's bright pink lips curved into a smirk as she lifted her head and turned back to collapse into one of the library's armchairs. Kevin turned his head, watching as she plucked yet another Harry Potter book from the table. He rolled his eyes, turning back to the computer screen and scrolling through his emails. _Spam, Spam, School News, Spam, Tara, Spam, Clubs, Spam_. He sighed, deleting the junk mail and aimlessly looking through Tara's emails. At last, his phone vibrated, making a louder sound than his normal ringtone. Kevin glanced back at Tara before picking it up and reading the text:

_hows ur d8 w tara kev_

Kevin rolled his eyes, glancing back at the girl before replying to Leo:

_its not a date. shes just my friend and we are hanging at the library_

"Texting is a bore, and sadly Harry Potter can be tedious," Tara replied, embarrassing Kevin as she nodded at Leo's text.

"Wh-what, um, yeah, I guess," Kevin shoved the phone into his pocket and turned to face her.

"My mom's going to be here in like ten minutes, and I need you to wait outside with me, because it's boring and I could get kidnapped by some creepy dude," Tara pulled the right strap of her TARDIS backpack over her shoulder.

"Yeah, okay," Kevin logged off of the computer, snatching his own red backpack as she bounced away.

He didn't like her or anything, but to be honest, she was kind of wonderful. Even though they had seen each other at school, Tara and Kevin had had an honest conversation at Comic Con San Diego. She had been surrounded by her group of friends, laughing and shouting. And Kevin had been trailing behind his friends, confused by their fierce love for fiction.

As fate had it, she had spotted him amongst the wild costumes and crowds. And she had gone up to Kevin, and they became friends.

To the outside world, it was a strange sort of relationship. Their entire existence was embarrassing and certainly not normal. She was a freshman, and he was a senior. Things like that don't normally happen, but then again, Tara wasn't normal, and that was that.

"We'll sit here," Tara plopped herself down on the turf, looking up at him.

"Yeah, okay," he replied.

"I have a plan," Tara smiled, her eyes shining into his.

"Okay," Kevin took off his backpack and set it on his lap.

"I'm going to get you a girlfriend," she replied, her fingers tugging at the stubborn slices of grass.

"Why would I need a girlfriend?" Kevin's eyes wandered to the street, making sure that none of his friends were stalking him again.

"When did you stop mumbling and start saying words?" Tara teased. "Anyways, I think Katelyn would do for you."

"Katelyn?" he mumbled.

"Katelyn Tsao, perfectly pretty and kind and nice and girly and especially without a boyfriend," Tara grinned, her eyes following Kevin's.

"Mhm," he replied, looking back down at the grass.

"Think about it," Tara pulled herself and the backpack up, "Or don't think about it. Life is about the choices you make and the people you help… or don't help. Or life can be about anything. It's really how you view it. It could be about getting a girlfriend or getting a boyfriend. It could be about falling in love of falling out of love. It could be about killing yourself or realizing you have reason to live. Or it can be about running away or running when your mother calls you."

And right then, Kevin heard the familiar sound of Tara's mother honking the car.

"Mhm," he repeated, nodding towards her as she ran off.

"It can be about anything! Think about it or don't think about it," Tara called as she ran backwards.

Kevin watched as Tara turned around and sprinted across the fake grass towards the minivan. For a while, he sat there, thinking upon nothing and watching the cars fly past. With another sigh for the day, he pulled himself up, slinging the Jansport backpack over his right shoulder. Nothing was wrong with him. It was just that life seemed so boring at times. There was never any big adventure or special someone that could hurt him or make him into a famous celebrity. He couldn't save the world or hunt monsters or have his heart broken. Or maybe he will have his heart broken by this Katelyn.

He shrugged to himself, turning to his right and beginning to walk along the sidewalk. Tara was nice to him, but they never really talked about special things… Not that he wanted to talk about special things. It was just especially cool to have a close friend. But she was an awkward friend in his awkward life.

Kevin was too normal, too average, and of course, he didn't like that. But what else was he supposed to do? Run away and ruin his mother's life? Especially in his senior year. Now, high school was sort of important. But afterwards? College or a job or something. Have a good career, get married, have kids, and then put your kids into the same torture that you used to go through, saying how it was "worse back in the day".

It was too tiring to think about life now. Just do something special, like worry about the present.

Kevin sighed again, digging his hands into his jean pockets.

And of course, when you think you're too normal and nothing's going to happen, something does usually happen. And then you get instant fame or you feel special again or you feel happy and have that whole atonement with life.

But not really. Save it for the movies.

At last, Kevin reached his house. He pulled out the keys from his backpack and fitted them into the hole. He pushed the door open and stumbled inside. Another sigh escaped his mouth as he heard the lock click behind him. Kevin bit his lip again, glancing sadly at the tiled, wooden house. He pulled off his Vans, walking with only his socks towards the counter. Another note.

_Everything you need is in the fridge. Out again._

Out _again_. Kevin's right index finger trailed the notebook paper's corner before striding away to his room. He never really was important. His mother was important, going out… _again_.

And her going out was comfortable, but notably lonely. To be honest, he kind of missed her. It wasn't that he was some mommy-boy or something. He just needed someone to be there for him once in a while.

And it never felt right… having no friends, no siblings, no father that he could go fishing or go to football games with. Not that he liked fishing or football. Loneliness just kills – no, no, Kevin wasn't lonely. No one can ever be lonely. What was that word again? Oh yes, empty. Kevin Tran's life was just simply empty.

Kevin trailed the white corridor to find his white, empty room. It was filled with ordinary things – a desk, computer, bed, trash can, maybe a few small posters of singers. Kevin dropped his backpack by the doorway, heading towards the Windows 7. What would he do today? Try Minecraft again? He didn't want to procrastinate, but what else was there to fill up his time?

His phone buzzed. Kevin pulled it out of his jean pocket, typing in the passcode.

After navigating his way to the messages, Tara's name popped up again.

hey, forgive for that… life thing.. it was weird

Kevin leaned back on his chair, propping his feet up on the desk as he thought of some inspirational comeback… or some normal comeback. Ah, whatever.

yeah its ok.

Tara's text appeared immediately afterwards.

Tara: i wonder what suicide's like

Kevin sat up, staring into the bright screen of his Samsung. Tara? Suicide? But then… well, it happens to everyone eventually, doesn't it?

Kevin: are you ok?

Tara: i honestly don't know. everythings just been so jumbled up and i cant deal with things

Kevin: not okay.

Tara: why do i talk to you?

Kevin: I keep asking myself

Tara: are you driving right now

Kevin: no

Tara: is your mom home

Kevin: no

Tara: where is she

Kevin: out

Tara: again

Kevin: yes

Tara: oh im so sorry

And with that, Tara left the situation to him.

Sorry? Why do people say they're sorry for something that's not in their control or doesn't even affect them? His loss of a father didn't affect her, and neither was it in her control. His workaholic mother wasn't her fault. And the fact that he had so many broken relationships with so many people wasn't her fault. It wasn't anybody's fault, not even him.

It just happened, somehow, and Kevin didn't know what really happened but something happened. And it was terrible, and lonely, and empty.


	2. Metaphorically Short

"Kevin!" Tara stumbled through the hall, almost tripping on her navy jeans. "Kevin!"

"T-Tara, be careful!" a much taller girl followed the freshman, clutching her flowered bookbag.

Kevin turned around and faced the flustered duo before him. His eyebrows instinctively rose, glancing at Tara. She grinned in reply, the edges of her eyes crinkling. Tara gestured towards the other girl, who, in turn, blushed.

"Kev," Tara panted, "This is Katelyn. Katelyn, Kevin."

"Yeah, uh, hi," Katelyn replied, a smile appearing on her lips.

"Hi," Kevin's eyes searched for some way to get rid of the situation. It wasn't attracting attention, but _socializing_ was too much.

"So," Katelyn's lips closed together, creating a thin, awkward smile, "What's up? How do you know Tara?"

"Uh," he wasn't really in the mood for this sort of thing… talking, "Comic Con."

"Comic Con," Katelyn nodded.

Kevin's eyes closed, the sweet sound of the bell ringing in his ears.

"Well, I've got Pre-Calc, so, yep," Katelyn's closed smile grew wider, "Bye."

At last, the girl left, swinging the bag over her right shoulder as she strolled down the hall.

"So?" Tara's head tilted to the left, her brown eyes glittering.

"I said I didn't need a girlfriend," Kevin simply replied, and then thinking better of his words, "I'm sorry... I just don't know anymore."

"It's fine, man," Tara nodded, looking down at her shoes. "I get it, and I won't bother you anymore. Afterschool again? Library?"

"Yeah, I've got time," he shrugged, pulling his backpack strap over his shoulder.

"Thanks, Kev," she grinned.

And with that, Kevin weaved his way towards English class.

"I'm giving up on you, Kevin," Tara looked up at him.

Kevin turned to face her. How had he let her down? What did he do? What was wrong with her? Was he the reason for that suicide message? Oh no, of all the things he could do… It was make someone kill themself.

"Oh, Kevin, it's a song," she replied, analyzing his frightened face.

"Oh," he looked back to his shoes.

"I'm feeling so small. It was over my head. I know nothing at all," Tara repeated from memorization, "And I, will stumble and fall. I'm still learning to love. Just starting to crawl."

"It sounds like a song that's very not you," Kevin bit his lip, afraid of her answer.

"Everything's not me these days," it was her turn to look at her shoes.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong. What's wrong with you? You have absolutely no motivation in life, man," she smiled again.

"Mhm," he replied, staring straight at the library, "Are we going inside to do homework or something again?"

"I know this sounds really awkward, but I think I'd rather just stay outside for today," Tara glanced at the grass.

"Mhm," Kevin mumbled, walking towards a bench that stood next to the sidewalk.

"Mhm," she teased, following him.

What was wrong with everything today? Everything felt out of place. Not going to do homework or internet browsing. Something was wrong. And it was Tara Pham.

At last, they reached the brown bench. It wasn't anything special – polished wooden bars crafted into a large chair. Kevin placed himself on the far right of it, placing his backpack on his left. His dark brown eyes watched as Tara dropped her backpack next to his and sat on the far left. She leaned onto her thighs, placing her elbows on them and her hands on her face. Her hair fell over her eyes as she watched the ground.

Kevin leaned his back on the bench, watching her think before staring off at the cars. She never was this way. Bright, bubbly, big, beautiful Tara never was so very quiet. Something happened last night. Or today. Maybe it was Katelyn.

He opened his mouth, his dried lips parting. What was he supposed to say? And why was he worrying about this now? He didn't have any crush on Tara. Too dramatic. He wasn't a special part of her life… But she was one of his only friends. Kevin had to _say_ something. Oh, this wasn't going to go well, was it?

"Tara?" he cleared his throat.

"Yep, I'm fine. Don't worry about me, Kevin," she sniffled quite loudly, still staring at her shoes.

"Well, why the trenchcoat?" Kevin tried to lessen the emotional atmosphere.

"Oh," Tara wiped her nose with her hand before clasping the trenchcoat between her fingers, "Oh, some of Edlund's books leaked. And it's Fandom Friday. And so after Dean came back from Hell, it was an angel that pulled him out. And the angel wears a trenchcoat. And right now I need an angel in a trenchcoat."

"What's the angel's name?"

"Castiel," Tara turned to him, her eyes crinkling, "And I think he sounds so cute, and he sounds so wonderful."

"He's your favorite character then?" Kevin bit the inside of his cheek.

"Oh, no… I don't know. Dean is still my favorite. And I love Sam, I do. But there's something about Castiel that just… intrigues me," her eyes filled with hope again as she stared up at the sky.

"Tara?" Kevin ventured again.

"Yes?" her eyes settled on him.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"Nothing's wrong," she replied, her bright smile fading.

"Something's wrong with you," Kevin murmured, looking down at his feet and then back at her.

"Would you really care so much, Kevin?" Tara pleaded. "Would you care so much for someone you barely know? I mean I'm just an afterschool friend. You're supposed to be some big shot senior that has no time for short freshmen. Something's wrong with you, and not me. Or something's wrong with the both of us. And I'm in the process of figuring it out."

"Oh," Kevin replied softly, dumbfounded by her reply.

"I'm sorry, Kev. Lately, I've been very much like John Green," she stretched herself out on the bench. "I've been thinking deep things, and all they help with is making me more aware. And sometimes ignorance is blissful. Know too much and it can hurt you."

"It's okay," he looked back down at his shoes.

"Kevin," Tara's eyes stared straight at him, "What's wrong with you? Why won't you tell me?"

"Mhm," he answered awkwardly, unwilling to share his part in her world.

"Will it help if we did exercises for the brain?" the right side of her lips curved up, revealing a smile.

Kevin shrugged.

Tara stood on the seat of the bench, bending her knees so that she hung over the bench's back. She hung upside-down, her hair falling so it made her look quite insane. Well, she was insane – but a good kind of insane. Kevin leaned over the bench's back, watching her as she grinned at him.

"C'mon, Kevin," her face crinkled with that smile again.

"Okay… I don't know about this," He watched for his "friends" again, afraid that they might find him awfully in love with a freshman.

At last, he bent his legs and hung upside-down, turning his head to watch Tara. She was looking at the cars, her dark brown hair hanging down in the air. Why did he even decide to do this? He bit his bottom lip, embarrassment creeping into his mind as he thought of the rumors that would spread. Drama was annoying and difficult to live with. Kevin had no time for that. He blinked, and suddenly Tara was facing him.

"What's wrong? Don't like a little weird?" she grinned.

"Mhm," Kevin turned away, watching his legs that hung over the wooden bench.

"This feels so awkward," she confirmed, her brown eyes shining as he turned back to face her.

"It feels like we're going to kiss or something," Kevin hesitantly replied.

"Do you want to kiss?" Tara stared back at him, her eyes unnaturally widening.

"No," he replied, "I don't like you _that_ much."

"Obviously," she pulled herself up, sitting on the edge of the bench's back. "I don't love you, Kevin. You're a disgusting, old senior who's already got a girlfriend."

"I don't have a girlfriend," Kevin said, pulling himself up.

"Yes, you do. And her name is Katelyn, and she loves you so much that she feels like she's going to burst with love," Tara laughed.

"Mhm," Kevin mumbled, looking at his backpack.

"What's wrong with you, seriously?" she cocked her head.

"Nothing's wrong with me… But what's wrong with you?" he looked up. "There's obviously been signs of…"

"Of what? Depression? Suicide? Death? Pain? Cutting?" her smile faded. "Well it's not… I'm too strong and important for that."

"Then what is it?" Kevin inquired, watching as a smile crept upon her lips.

Tara collapsed onto the seat of the bench, her hair tangling into microscopic knots. She laid down on her backpack, placed her hands behind her head, and stared back into the sky. Her faint smile still shone on her face, gleaming with future philosophical words. The strange girl surveyed the blue sky and its puffy clouds intently. A sigh escaped her lips, and she closed her eyes.

After a while, Tara's eyes opened, and they were gleaming with ideas. She settled upon Kevin, watching him keenly. He gave a small nod, requesting that she continue. And Kevin did want to hear it. He really did. He truly did want to know all about this weird, significant little freshman.

"Well, Kevin, since you want to know," she looked back up the sky, her mind somewhere else now. "I'm going to be honest. And this may sound like the stupidest or deepest thing you've ever heard. Don't judge, or do judge. Your choice. But… shortness is so tiring. People make fun of you, and they make all sorts of jokes. And average people are fine, they're the ones making the jokes. Tall people get jokes from average people too, but they pick on us short ones. Do you get it? It's metaphorical… kind of.

"But you know what I think? I'm just tired – tired of being looked down upon and having to look up to people. To look up to these significant people who've done so much great in the world and I'm tired. I'm tired of having to go, 'Wow, I want to be like them.' I want to do something. I want to become someone very important. And when I'm grown up and very important, I want people to know that looking down on people is not nice. Figuratively or literally. It's not nice, and it hurts."


	3. The Drifting Convoy

The clock struck its third second after the 12. The classroom was silent, except for the hurried scribbles on paper. The teacher sat on his desk, watching his students struggling through the test. He pushed up his circular glasses, turning to watch the clock. He cleared his throat, marking the five minute mark.

Kevin bit his lip, speeding his way through the Politics &amp; Government test. At last, he turned the scantron over and organized his materials so that he could lay his head on the cold desk. Kevin closed his eyes, trying to take a nap before the five minute mark ended. His lips parted, letting his mouth slightly gape open. Oh sweet sleep, come bless him with that comfortable feeling of blacking out…

A loud, high-humming bell emitted from the speakers, waking Kevin up with a start. He sucked up the drool that still hung from his lips, sitting up and wiping up the remains on his cheek. Kevin blinked once or twice, nodding at the girl that sat in front of him and handing her his test.

He pulled his backpack onto his shoulder, strolling out of the classroom. And of course, he ran into Tara. She grinned back up him, tugging on the sleeve of her black jacket. Today, she wore all black, from her leather jacket and shirt to her boots. Tara watched him for a while, and then turned around to walk him down the hall. Silently, but comfortably, Kevin and Tara strolled along, thinking on their thoughts and walking their walks.

"Hey, do you want to stop by some place?" she interrupted the silence, looking up at him.

"What place?" he replied, shrugging.

"I don't know… See if that Biggerson's down the road has a to-go thing?" Tara nodded forward, gesturing to the trees.

"You want Biggerson's?" Kevin's eyebrows rose, remembering his mother's warnings about the place.

"Actually, now that I think of it… Probably not," she smiled, turning the corner towards the library.

Kevin shrugged, almost afraid that he probably just turned down a date with Tara Pham. But he didn't like her, and he knew that Tara didn't like him either. She's got those fictional characters to fall in love with. Kevin knew he couldn't amount to be like Castiel or Sam or Dean. They were saviors, and he was… well… a senior.

He shrugged again, walking alongside the grass. And then suddenly, he had fallen on top of it, his backpack positioned awkwardly between his head and his left shoulder. Kevin blinked, his mouth gaping open with confusion. Then, he realized. It had been Tara. He looked back up to her, standing there as a dark outline against the sun. She grinned at him, her eyes glittering, and then she began to run. She ran past him, towards the trees, or towards the library. He couldn't tell. What was this supposed to be?

Kevin pushed himself off the ground, dusting the grass off of his pants, and then searched for the missing girl. He tucked his fingers into his pockets, striding towards one of the trees she surely had climbed. A smile crept on the left edges on his mouth as he spotted the blue backpack hanging from one of the branches.

Then suddenly, Tara's face popped in front of his, causing him to stumble back. Kevin blinked once or twice again, regaining his posture. She hung upside down, her nose still scrunched up, and her hair in mid-air – almost like how it was with the benches. She let go of the branch, easily falling onto her two legs. Tara collapsed onto the ground, forming a perfect criss-cross position. She motioned for him to sit down as well, and so Kevin did.

"I hope you don't mind we skip the boring homework and go straight to chatting again," Tara's smile crept onto her lips.

Kevin shifted himself, settling down on the scratchy, fake grass. At last, he looked back at Tara, studying her light freckles and dark freckles that were aligned almost perfectly on her face. Her nose scrunched up again, now with her eyes crinkling as well.

"What's wrong with you?" Kevin ventured again, studying the freshman's face contentedly. "Honestly and really and truly."

"Are you saying you love me, Kevin, or are you truly asking for the problems in my life?" she looked into his eyes, her smile fading.

"Your problems," he uncomfortably answered.

"I feel like making speeches now, to you. It seems only proper when it comes to displaying my problems, which are, like, very deep," Tara laid down, resting on the grass and looking up at the sky.

"That's okay," Kevin adjusted himself again, taking his own turn to lie on the ground and look up at the wonderful clouds that she was so fond of. "I don't mind."

"Sometimes, I feel like I'm a train – and forgive all of these metaphors and stuff," Tara pushed her hands between her backpack and her head, her eyes fluttering. "I have to keep going, no matter what, and I'm not allowed to stop. At first, I've set my own track for me, and I'm new at everything. I go along with myself, collecting my cargo, my memories, my past… And then suddenly I'm stopped. And more people join my journey, making the cargo heavier. I find myself not on my own track anymore, but switching tracks. People start telling me where to go, and I'm not allowed to stay as I was before. The people that joined me leave, and then more come back and force me to keep going. I stop for repairs, but when I do, I realize too late that I've gotten old and everything's turned to nothing."

"Are you okay?" Kevin rolled over, facing Tara.

"Are _you_ okay?" she replied, turning her head to face him.

"I don't know," Kevin turned back, surveying the calm blue before him.

"No, really, Kev, are you okay?" Tara sat up, ignoring her tangled hair. "You never say anything. And I worry about you, I do."

"I'm okay," he replied, taking his turn to sit up.

"You sure?"

"I'm sure."


	4. The Symbolic Cake

"Kevin, at least _try_ something."

"I don't know what I want to do. I don't want to be a writer or a physicist or a politician. I don't want to do anything," he replied, sighing at the pink paper that sat between him and his mother.

It hadn't even been ten minutes, and they had already started arguing. How could he tell her that he just wanted to stay the same… or not the same? Kevin bit his bottom lip, turning to stare at his feet rather than facing his mother.

"How about a doctor?" she ventured.

"Typical," he muttered, studying the white stitches on his socks.

"Kevin," her voice whined.

"Y-yeah, okay, fine, I'll try," he picked up the paper and made his way back to his room.

He hated these kinds of things. Choosing what you want to be so early. Why couldn't he be like those characters in books and movies? Go on a journey around the world. Why wasn't there anything that could change him? It was already November, and he already had to decide too many things. It was overwhelming, and it was still empty. A big, empty void that hadn't been filled with anything.

"Happy birthday, Kev."

Tara grinned, her lips spreading across her face as she pushed the slice of pie forward. Kevin took it gingerly in his hands, balancing it on top of his Calculus textbook. He gave a half smile, opening the small paper box to reveal the apple pie.

"It's a special tradition. Not really for my family, but more from the fans," she nodded to the box cheerfully.

"Pie," he smiled, taking a whiff of the homemade tartness.

"Dean loves pie," Tara laughed.

"Thanks," he replied, letting his fingers drop the cover back on the box.

"Mhm."

Almost at the same time, the two sat on the bench. They both began to stare off into the trees, wondering how things had disappeared and reappeared. And yet, they were still here, sitting afterschool on the same bench for the past couple of months. Everything had changed but them. Katelyn had left school to pursue an acting career. Leo followed Katelyn. And now they were together. Kevin's mother had finally found someone that wasn't him. Colleges and universities were open and accepting. It was only December.

Yet, he still sat on the far right side of the bench, and Tara, on the left. Their relationship hadn't particularly grown or shrunk. They were still friends, of course. Yet, in some ways, Kevin had grown to enjoy Tara's company. Yes, it was still pretty much the most awkward thing. But she was like his best friend. He didn't have any other friends, of course. Well, it depended on what people would consider as a friendship. Oh, she was talking to him.

"So," she started, turning her head to him, "How's college applications and stuff?"

"It's… tiring, I guess," he replied, "Especially when you don't know what to do with your life."

"I feel you, man. It's extremely hard to explain to your parents that you just want to travel around the world and meet people," Tara chuckled.

"Yep."

"Right," she replied uncomfortably. "You should grow your hair out."

"My hair?" Kevin's hand felt the strands of his hair that hung on the back of his head.

"Yes, your hair," Tara nodded. "Try something new and maybe Lana or Rose will start falling in love with you. Or not. Just grow out your hair – I want to see how it looks on you. I don't know."

"Okay," Kevin shrugged. "I'll grow my hair out, but if I start looking like a girl, it's your fault."

"Okay," she laughed.

And together, they turned away and looked back into the trees. This was the sort of thing they did all the time. Thinking and pondering. And then sharing nothing. There was nothing to say, but so much to remember.

"You're Dean today," Kevin pointed out, interrupting her thinking.

"It's December," she explained, her fingers trailing the brown jacket.

"Dean December," he repeated, trailing off to the trees again.

Tara watched the streets, finding the black minivan that paused at the red light. She turned to Kevin, pulling her backpack over her shoulder. He nodded towards her, still balancing the book and box of pie on his lap. Tara gave a half smile, standing up as the car made its way into the parking lot.

"Happy birthday, Kevin," she said.

"Happy December Dean," he patted the top of the box. "Thanks for the pie."


	5. The Desolation of Kevin Tran

Kevin landed on his chair, which spun around a bit before he stopped it with his feet. He tapped the space bar on his keyboard, waiting impatiently for the screen to light up. He opened Google Chrome, typing in " ".

At last, the screen had loaded, and… one message from Tara. He clicked it open.

Tara: sorry kev i was sick today

Kevin: yeah its fine… just worried

Tara: worried about me? hahaha

Kevin: … so how are you now

Tara: don't worry i'll be back tomorrow.

Kevin: tomorrow? so what was it? a cold?

Tara: a very big cold that has mucus and snot and disgusting ew

Kevin: lol. you sure you'll be back tomorrow

Tara: im sure

Kevin weaved his way through the hall, purposefully bumping into Angelina. She paused, taking a moment to recognize his face.

"Hey, have you seen Tara?" he blurted out.

"No, I haven't seen her all day," she shrugged, already pushing herself away into the crowd. "She's probably still sick or something."

Of course. Why was Kevin so worried about her? Sickness wasn't something that could be foretold. Yet… something still tugged on his stomach. He shrugged. He'll go online afterschool and ask her. Then, she'll tell him that she's still sick. And everything would be all right.

With that, he hurried away to his Orchestra class, stopping every now and then to ask about his sick friend.

"It's C sharp," Elle pointed her bow at the music sheet and then to the fingering sheet.

"Right," Kevin replied, realigning his fingers on the fingerboard.

Together, the two watched as the conductor began the piece again. Playing the cello was more of a peaceful thing for Kevin. It gave him time to think about things. He bit his lip, watching his teacher move his hands back and forth to count the beats.

For some reason, things seemed lonelier without Tara, but not emptier. Things were always empty, even if there was something amazing going on. Empty. Filled with nothing but blackness and sadness. Well, if it was filled with sadness, then it wouldn't be empty. Not empty then. But it still felt somewhat empty.

His thoughts were interrupted by the grainy speakers that hung above his head. They crackled to life, a high pitch sound cutting through the music. Yet the conductor went on, and the students went on. Barely anyone could make out the words that blared from it, not even Kevin. He was typically annoyed with these kinds of things. Why have speakers when no one's going to listen?

Finally, he played his last note, his ears slightly ringing from the unintelligible words.

"What did they say?" the conductor questioned the girl sitting at his desk.

"I couldn't hear either," she replied, getting up to pick up the phone.

Kevin watched as the girl dialed in the office number. He rested his arm on his leg, turning to watch as the other students talk amongst themselves. Elle was chatting with the other cellist Brian, typically ignoring Kevin. He sighed, watching as everyone talked and made faces while he sat silent and observing.

The teacher assistant leaned back, saying something to the conductor that Kevin couldn't even begin to interpret. The class had gotten too loud. Boys shouted across the class, and girls giggled at their crushes. He sighed again, plucking the strings on his cello.

"Quiet down, quiet down!" the conductor yelled over the screaming and laughing.

Instinctively, a wave of shushing blanketed the classroom. Everyone turned to face the teacher.

"The office said that we're supposed to go to the auditorium for a special announcement," he replied, his voice as grainy as the speaker.

"Are there awards today?" a violinist raised her hand.

"I don't think so, but maybe some Presidential Awards," the conductor replied.

The class sat together in the big, gaping silence before realizing that they still were to be in the auditorium. The students laid their string instruments gingerly on the ground, rearranging everything so that nothing would be damaged. Then, together, they walked in a jumbled mass towards the gym.

Kevin, of course, having no good friends, strayed along in the back with his "acquaintances". He tucked his hands into his pockets, bowing his head to watch his feet. Although he appeared to be thinking on something else, Kevin listened quite attentively to their conversations. He wasn't an eavesdropper or anything. He just particularly enjoyed listening to people talk on and on about things that they loved. Kind of like how he liked to listen to Tara talk all the time.

"Hey, Kevin," one of them piped up. "Didn't you date that chick that left for acting?"

"No," he answered.

"I thought Tara set you up with her or something," Luke laughed.

"Nah," Kevin shrugged, raising his head to watch the students walking before him.

"You know she's with Leo now, right?" Brian nudged him.

Kevin replied with another shrug.

"Man, that's harsh. She hooked up with your best friend," it was Brian's turn to laugh at him now.

It really was no big deal to him. Kevin truly and honestly never really "dated" Katelyn. Sure, he tried a few things out. He took her to some random Starbucks once, but that was it. They had barely talked then and don't talk at all now. It was a hopeless relationship. Yet, of course, she would fall for Leo. He was everything a girl could want – or not want. He was everything Katelyn wanted, then.

Although Kevin felt barely any sadness for Katelyn, it would be a lie to say he didn't care about Leo. Leo was his middle and high school friend. He was always just there. They didn't talk about girls or about extremely deep thoughts like Tara, but they were there for homework and parents and stuff. It was a mediocre relationship, but it was the closest thing to having a best friend.

And then, Tara came bouncing into high school, a bright smile on her face and an extremely extroverted personality. Leo still talked to him back then – in the beginning of the year. But it was Kevin's fault for ignoring him. And then it was Leo's fault for avoiding him. And partly Tara's fault for spending so much time talking to Kevin.

Instead of Leo and Kevin's friendship falling apart all at once, things just aged, became thinner, and eventually tore. It was a slow, saddening recession. Relationships sometimes expire, and like all expired things, they leave a bitter aftertaste. Leo and Kevin left with a fight, and the fact that it didn't hurt either of them made it feel worse.

"Line up and file in. I think we're late," the conductor declared.

The orchestra pulled themselves together, and finally filed through. Of course they were late. The bleachers were already crowded with students from every grade and every classroom. Kevin's eyes widened, searching for some lonely spot he could sit, without having to have a conversation with anybody. Perhaps Tara had come late, and she was still here somewhere. Oh, nevermind, she was probably already sitting with her friends.

He spotted a small space next to the stairs three rows up. Kevin managed to push his way through the crowd of students, collapsing on the dark gray seat. He sighed, turning to face the scared freshman that sat beside him. Kevin gave a half smile, gesturing for the boy to scoot over more. The freshman nodded, pushing his other friend to the left. Kevin moved over a bit, and then settled himself down. He stared down at his shoes intently, thinking about the upcoming Biology test.

"Hey, do you think there's any more room?" a girl stood beside him, nodding towards the freshmen that watched her.

Kevin turned his head, searching for any space where she could sit. Finding nothing, he shrugged, turning back to her.

"I don't think so," he replied.

"Okay, thanks anyways," she smiled, bouncing her way up the stairs.

He watched after her for a while, pondering why she had even asked him. He glanced back up, noticing that she sat with her friends, giggling. Oh, well. Kevin turned back to the principal that stood in the middle of the basketball court. She patted the microphone, nodding towards the student who stood beside her, operating the machine.

"Please, please, settle down," she spoke into the microphone, waving her arm to get everyone's attention.

If it was awards, Kevin promised himself that he would sneak out of the auditorium. Perhaps he would fake needing to go to the bathroom or something. He hated awards, even if he got one. They were embarrassingly stupid and hurtful. What was the use of them? Right, to show everyone how better off other people will be than you. Kevin sighed another for the day.

"I have a very important announcement for you today," the principal looked down at her feet for some reason.

The school leaned on their feet, waiting for her to continue. Yet, the pause prolonged, and murmurs arose.

"I… regret to inform that this morning, around 5 a.m., one of our students died in a car accident."

Almost immediately, screams arose from the crowd of students. Kevin froze in place, his mind set on his best friend. A flash of memories from yesterday crossed his mind. She said she had been sick. But she promised she'd be here today. There was still some hope that it wasn't her. There were always various absences. Why would it have to be her that died?

"Please, quiet," the principal waved her arms again. "She was a brilliant student at our school. Tara Pham won and was to win many awards. I give my greatest condolences to her older brothers Victor and Stephen, who attend here as juniors. I knew her family personally, and I hope that she rests in peace. God bless her."

"Oh," Kevin heard the freshman boy beside him gasp.

"That's Kevin, isn't it?" he heard the boy's friend whisper.

Yet, Kevin could only hear nothing and everything. Screams and cries arose from the bleachers. But he couldn't do anything. What was he supposed to do? Run.

He pulled himself up, stumbling down the stairs. Why were his strong legs failing him now? He fell – once, twice, three times now. A girl – that girl, made a move to help him, lifting him by the arms. She propped him up on the steps, but Kevin didn't want to stay. He didn't want to talk. There was nothing to say, but so much to regret.

Kevin turned around, pulling himself up again. He noticed the terrified faces on the bleachers, hanging down and hanging high. And in them, he saw her. Her hair was hanging down and she was laughing at him. He shut his eyes, but he couldn't bear anything anymore. Closed eyes meant he faced pain. Open eyes meant he faced Tara. Tara was everywhere.

He felt his legs drag themselves out the doors, out the gym, and suddenly he was running. Kevin ran, feeling the rush of air fly through his hair. But his eyes were open. And he remembered running after Tara. Where was she? Where was the strange, little child?

Kevin wasn't one to cry, yet painless tears fell from his eyes, dropping onto his arms, his lips, his neck. His eyes closed, and fear entered. Everything, everything was a dark, painful emptiness. Empty? What was empty? He had been so selfish, so self-absorbing. Empty? He hadn't been empty all this time, he had been dead. He had been crushed by everything and anything. And now he was flying, flying, flying, falling. Kevin was falling back into emptiness.

And at last, his eyelids lifted themselves. Kevin was on a bench – the same bench that she had sat on only a few days ago. And he sat in the middle, longingly watching the space where Tara would kick her feet up, hang upside down. Where was she?

His elbows bit into his thighs. His fingers intertwined each other. She was sick. Only sick. Sick with a cold. A cold with snot and mucus and very disgusting. She said she would be back, didn't she? She promised, and Tara Pham never breaks a promise. Tara would be back. She would materialize before everyone, and it would be a big joke. Just a joke. A sick, sick joke. And she would laugh and he would laugh and everyone would laugh.

What's wrong? Nothing. Nothing's wrong.


	6. Forsaken

"You don't have to go to school today."

"No, I do."

"No, you don't. You don't have to."

"Then, I want to."

"Oh, Kevin."

Kevin tried a smile but only managed to curve the edges of his lips. He hugged his Mom, gently placing his head on her shoulder. He didn't want her to worry. Plus, she didn't need to know about his school life. She was too busy working to keep them alive. And yet, she offered everything – her time, her love, her condolences. Condolences – what a long, saddening word to use.

He stepped his way out the door, beginning to walk back to school. Back to school. Kevin laughed inside his head. It sounded so happy. It sounded so glad and exciting and beautiful. But now? It only meant more emptiness.

"Hi, Kevin."

"Are you okay, Kevin?"

"Just checking up on you, man."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"She was special to all of us."

"Are you okay?"

"We've got to stick together for her."

"Okay."

Tara would have laughed. It sounded like a story right out of a John Green book.

And it did feel like it, but the only thing that was different was Kevin. He didn't feel happier or sadder or better or worse. He felt nothing. He felt nothing and everything at once. It wasn't the best feeling, and it was even harder to describe to anyone. Kevin wanted to feel something. He wanted to be like one of Tara's friends. He wanted to mourn, to cry, to scream, to deny, to be anything than the state he was in now.

No, he wasn't ready to go back to school today.

Kevin pushed open the door to the boys' restroom. A junior passed him, and Kevin recognized him as Victor – one of Tara's older brothers. Why was he at school today? Shouldn't he be grieving or staying with his family? Victor glanced at Kevin before silently leaving the restroom.

Kevin felt his face grow cold. He stumbled towards the mirror. Oh, mirrors and their symbols. He twisted the knob, freezing water spilling into the basin. He pushed his hands underneath the faucet, splashing it onto his face. He looked back up to the mirror, staring into his own emptiness.

And then he noticed. He was wearing plaid. Others would laugh at him. Plaid? What was so special about plaid?

"The Winchesters always wear plaid," Tara laughed. "It's _sexy_."

He gulped, feeling his entire face fill up with tears already. The mirror, the mirror, the mirror. Kevin's eyes fluttered to watch himself. Something was bothering him. Something in the mirror. No, it was only him. Only Kevin Tran alone in the bathroom, crying like the little boy he used to be.

"I'm sorry," a voice crackled through the silence.

Kevin glanced back up at the mirror, spotting the outline of the man. Then he was gone. Kevin whirled around staring only at the wall. Was he hallucinating? He closed his eyes, trying to remember the strange man. Trenchcoat. A blue tie. Castiel? Kevin bit his bottom lip, refusing to believe that it was one of those Supernatural characters. Castiel. He was one of Tara's favorites, wasn't he? Oh, no.

"Kevin, there you are," Luke appeared beside him.

The senior collapsed on the ground, covering his face with his arms, refusing to do anything. What else was there to do? Tara hadn't exactly been his entire life, but she was his best friend. And he missed her. Luke grabbed his right arm, shaking Kevin roughly.

"Kevin, man, are you okay?"

Why did everyone ask if he was okay? Of course he was never okay. He never had been and never will. Nothing was okay. Everything was chaos and loss and pain. Okay was a meaningless word. It was so painful to repeat. Okay. Okay. Okay.

But Tara always asked if he was okay. She always asked him what was wrong. And what did he reply with? Nothing. "Nothing's wrong with me, what's wrong with you?"

Yet, somehow, hearing Luke repeat the same question made him cringe. How _dare _he speak her words. But she was gone now. And her words were gone. And her laughter and teasing and cosplaying was gone. Tara Pham was gone, and Kevin Tran was left.


End file.
